Anticipation.

That’s what I feel more than any these days.

I think that because I have two big nights out next weekend -- Friday night with Beneficial and Saturday night the Irish Pub Bus Crawl -- I am feeling more anxious and excited than I normally would on a Sunday night. It’s important, I think, to have events to look forward to or else what is the point?

The last “big” night out was Valentine’s Day and I have not been drinking or drunk since (a glass of wine here and there does not count). I have actually made some progress with the marketing plan. In fact I am basically done I just need to put the elements together. I guess there was something to my theory of making progress in school matters in lieu of not getting wasted every weekend.

I have not mentioned this to anyone because I know my history with this sort of thing, but, despite everything, I have still been attempting to study abroad. Because of Jeff, I was introduced to a woman who banks with us named Karen who runs and is the president of the International Opera Theatre Company that based out of Philadelphia (because that is where Karen is located) but performs opera all over the world. Needless to say, I know nothing about opera, but the potential for a great internship involving marketing and business management, which is my concentration in my publishing program, is certainly there. The money this time is not an issue as the loan has already been approved and the check deposited. There is no apparent reason why this shouldn’t work this time around. I would be going to Italy for the entire month of August -- possibly to Canada for two weeks in July but that is dependent on costs. That is another positive situation that is going on right now. Whatever happens happens and because of my past study abroad situations I am just waiting for this to fail as well so I really have no expectations, which saves me from getting my hopes up.

Work is weird. I am getting frustrated because I feel like I have grown beyond my job title and am doing the jobs of three other people and getting the salary of somebody who is not nearly as qualified and dedicated as I am. With our extended hours comes a lot of extra work, especially at the end of the day, and we desperately need another part-time teller but Jeff keeps telling us that they will not approve another employee in our branch. So, because of the executive decision, I nearly lose my mind every day trying to do the job of three people. I am not exaggerating. It gets hectic and overwhelming almost to the point of insanity. I still genuinely like everyone I work with, although there are days I can’t stand them. It’s very much like a family.

At times I feel guilty for bitching about my job because I know that I am lucky right now to even have a job. There are days where I just want to quit and, in a better economic climate, I would just find another job but then Suze Orman comes on MSNBC and proclaims, “The world is going to be destroyed by job loss and poverty! Good luck to you all! I’ll be praying for you in my Manhattan condo. Next caller!” I don’t know. I feel like if I believe bullshit like that I am playing into the collective condition of fear right now.

It’s not that I dislike the banking world, it’s not that at all actually because I actually quite enjoy it, but a.) it’s not what I’ve been going to school for six years for and b.) as I’ve mentioned, I’ve grown beyond my job title. I want to do more, take on more responsibility and be challenged in a different way that I have been since I’ve started. Making more money would not be a negative.

But, for now, I will continue to move along at the bank and finish up my coursework at school. I need to stop taking on more situations than I can handle.

In other news, Kimmy recently signed up for Aikido classes, which is something I know she has been thinking about for a long while. I really commend her for that and I think it's really amazing that Kimmy is making a goal come to fruition.  I mean, think about it, that takes balls.  I certainly don't have the courage to just join a club where I don’t know a single person and scream things like, "HI YAH!" or "GIJJY TO FUN HO!"  That is motivating to me and I want to do something to that does not involve school or work. Something just for me. I am looking into joining a pool league. A summer or two ago Philly Danielle and I had a discussion while on vacation in Wildwood, during that crazy motorcycle weekend, about me trying to form some kind of gay pool league in Philly but with work and school I couldn't take that on and I still can't but there are pool leagues in Philly and there is also the APA (Ameatur Pool Association) so I am going to start investigating. 

This idea has brought on an issue that has been stewing inside of me that I have known has been there but I sort of dismiss: I am very afraid of rejection, to the point where I am paralyzed by it. I am so terrified by the idea of joining something like a pool league because I don’t know anyone and I have this elementary school like fear that everyone is going to meet me and laugh at me until I run away crying. I know that a majority of people are hesitant to walk into a situation where they don’t know anyone but I wonder if their hesitation dips as far into fear as my feelings do. Like I mentioned in my last journal entry, though, deep fear is usually a sign I am headed in the right direction.

I’ll keep you posted...

We’ll back to anticipation. As I am present in this moment, I feel a strong urge to be aware and this makes me eager for some reason -- and waiting. Waiting for what I am not sure, but, whatever it is, I will sit in the moment with a exciting anticipation burning inside of me.

Despite not getting much done this weekend, I have learned what some of the problems are with me and getting motivated.

To begin with, for the past several weekends I used the mantra “if I didn’t go out I would get stuff done.”  That was my Big Excuse, my way out.  If I didn’t have such a hopping and active social life (ha!) I would have time to sit at home and work, work, work.  Well, this weekend proved that wrong…kind of.





I turned my phone off Saturday afternoon to avoid distractions. Completely turned it off.  No one could get a hold of me and I really wanted it that way.  During the work week all I have are people coming at me, asking me questions, needing something from me, always around me, surrounding me.  And, at times, I absolutely hate it.  This weekend I figured if I cut myself off all I would have to focus on is me and what I needed to get done.



 

Yesterday, Saturday, I slept the entire day.  No, really, the entire day.  I went to bed at 10:30 Friday night and woke up at 1 p.m. yesterday.  Then I fell back to sleep at 5 and slept until 1 p.m. today.  Sleep seems to be my escape.  Whenever I feel beat up and completely worn out sleep is like me plugging in to recharge my battery.  I woke up today and felt great.



 

The first issue was my thesis.  I had to get something done today.  My thesis, for those of you who don’t know (or care), is based around Sharon’s idea.  She has created a CD for relieving stress; a hypnotic suggestive trance-like track that puts people at ease.  It’s really an amazing CD (although, I admit, I haven’t had much experience listening to trance inducing CDs) and I believe in it.  A few months ago (December, maybe?  November?)  I was talking to Sharon about possible thesis ideas and she suggested that I act as a marketing manager for her product.  This idea was based on the fact that, at the time, I was taking a Marketing and Sales class that I really invested a lot of time and energy into and was enjoying it (for the most part).  I thought it was a great idea because not only is it something I’m interested in, but it’s practical and I can learn from it.  The alternative was, basically, writing a 50-page paper which I can do in my sleep.  I wanted to do something different and that had a practical edge to it.  Something I could maybe talk about on job interviews or even mention in a resume.



 

So, in effect, my thesis is creating a full scale marketing plan for Sharon's CD, putting that marketing plan into affect and then recording our results, reactions and challenings in a 10-15 page paper.



 

I called Sharon today because, before I can really map out her marketing plan, I have to get certain information from her.  I have been avoiding this for almost two months now and I am still not sure why I have been not making the phone call to her.  I realized why today.  I called her and started asking her questions about how she wants to market the product, who she wants to market it to, what avenues she wants to explore when marketing, etc.  Her answers were all the same,  “I don’t know.  I haven’t thought about it.”  I was really annoyed because the last time we spoke about this in early January I asked her to start thinking about these things so I can gear the marketing plan to her wants and desires.  And it was during this conversation I realized why I have been avoiding my thesis: because I have no idea what I am doing.  Not that I don’t know what I am doing in reference to framing and structuring the marketing plan, but I can't formulate a marketing plan around a product that the author doesn’t know how she wants to get it out there.  And, quite honestly, I feel this has ALWAYS been Sharon’s problem when it comes to new products and ventures.  That’s a whole other issue, though.  




After that phone conversation I said to myself, “Okay, I’m on my own.”  And I am when it comes to this thesis.  Sharon doesn’t know what the hell she wants or, furthermore, what I need from her.  Now that I know it’s all up to me I’ve already formulated a plan of action.  I already have an idea of who our demographic is going to be.  I know what I am going to start researching.  Before today, I had none of these answers.  Despite not having done any of the research yet, I have a plan of action!  Yay!!  This is more than I’ve had in the last two months!  I think I’ll actually have the marketing plan done by March!




The other plus about not going out this weekend is having money in my wallet on Sunday night.  I don’t have to worry about somehow making it through the week on $15.  Hooray!




I feel like a fog has lifted this weekend.  Yesterday, and the past two months, I wrestled through the mist, walked through, then slept in it.  Today I woke up and found that all I had to do to solve my own problems was surrender to them.




Although I missed going out and I didn’t have an once of alcohol this weekend there will always be other weekends and there are always the weekends that were.




I have been thinking about something Lauren and Katie said last weekend before they went to see Friday the 13th .  They said, “We like going to scary movies.  It’s a thrill.  Sometimes it’s fun to be scared.”  I’ve thought about that like every day since then and I realized I am terrified of scary movies because I am afraid every day of my life.  But it’s not a bad scared.  It’s a challenging, healthy scared.  I don’t need movies to make me scared.  I am scared going to work every day.  School scares the shit out of me.  The future always looms.  Why do I need something external to make me afraid?  Again, it’s not a daunting, uncomfortable fear.  It’s something that I think I need to keep marching forward.  Something that helps me reach goals and capture dreams.  I think my fear drives me…




…and I am sure now that I have it re-channeled it will fuel the new power I found this weekend in getting my thesis completed.

I haven’t done this for some time. I don’t even know when the last time I wrote something just for me was.

I am disappointed that I haven’t written a recap of 2008. My yearly reviews have always been fun to write because I get to glance over the past year and then I always have that review to look back on. Who knows? Maybe I will still write it, but I know how it goes when I plan to write something some time later. I still have an outline of Memorial Day 2007 (one of the best days I’ve ever had -- ever) on a notepad by the computer that I’ve been meaning to get to. As you can tell for some time now.

This semester at Rosemont I am enrolled in a class titled Artful Writing. So far, it’s a groovy class. The whole idea of the class is learning about writing by exposing yourself to other mediums (i.e., drawing, music, movement, etc.) I was enrolled in a class called Legal Issues in Book Publishing and at the last minute I decided to switch classes. I am also working on my thesis this semester and I wanted a class that was not going to be overwhelming. A class that I could manage and work on my thesis at the same time and what better than an artsy fartsy writing class. Possibly the most rewarding part of the class so far is that I am writing again and making it an important issue in my life. We have to “journal” once or twice a week about whatever topic we are discussing in class and anything that is related to our writing. In my journal this week I wrote about why I don’t write anymore and it turned up that I don’t think it is important. The only reason I am writing now is because it is a part of my class for school. And for the last year between work and school I never made it a priority to nourish that part of me that wanted to write. Before 2008, writing in my blog was my writing release because I genuinely enjoyed it, but once work started to become a larger part of my life and school became significantly more intense I let it go.

Maybe this class will reintroduce me to that part of myself that wants to write...

In any event, 2009 so far as been surprisingly animate. Every weekend since the beginning of the year has had some sort of drunken adventure attached to it. 2008 saw The 4 H Club, and everyone I know really, slow down immensely when it came to the drinking scene. I had really thought that my main party days were behind me. Apparently, not so much. I don’t know why we’ve been so party-centric lately, but I am certainly not complaining. Although, it is starting to get in the way of more important things...

I am a month behind on my thesis. This is probably an exaggeration because if I worked on it for a week straight when I came home from work I could probably get relatively caught up. It’s very difficult for me to get up the energy, after a hectic day at work (and, believe me, every single day at that branch is hectic) to illicit the motivation and mental energy involved when working on my thesis. Or anything school involved for that matter. As I go into every week, I say to myself, “This will be the week that I get going. This will be the week I figure it out.” The week flies by and diddly squat.

Situations like this past Saturday night arise. I wake up late on Saturday and feel that, finally, after the week is over, I can have a day, one day, where I am devoid of responsibility. I can sit in my bed and be lazy, despite needing to work on homework and various other projects I have going on or want to get started. Saturday is the day I chose to take off and, despite everything I have to do, I feel that is valid.

A nagging voice inside my head screams, “Get to work, you lazy piece of shit.” but I can’t move. I lay in my bed, luxuriously reading, and thinking, “Later. I will do it later.” Then comes later and nothing.

A phone call. Lauren. And she says, “We are going out tonight. We are going to Whiskey Tango. You should come out and have fun.” And I really want to. God, I really, really want to. But that nagging voice in my head berates me because instead of being productive like I know I could be I am leaning towards going out with my friends and drinking. And, of course, the choice I make is to go out and enjoy myself.

So I go get drunk and do stupid things and have a great time. Did I make an ass out of myself on Saturday night? Probably, a little bit (or a lot), but who gives a shit? It was fun and makes a great story.

But now here I am on Sunday with nothing accomplished. Do I feel like I let off a little steam and am recharged enough to begin the work week? Yes, I do. But I am not really sure how to balance that out with what I could have accomplished if I had tried at working rather than playing.

I know that the thesis thing will all work out and I will come up with a great project -- or, if nothing else, an acceptable project. It’s such a challenge for me to balance out my time. I’m really shitty at time management when it comes to these issues. At work, I’m awesome at figuring out a time schedule. I’m not sure how to translate that personally.