Anticipation.

That’s what I feel more than any these days.

I think that because I have two big nights out next weekend -- Friday night with Beneficial and Saturday night the Irish Pub Bus Crawl -- I am feeling more anxious and excited than I normally would on a Sunday night. It’s important, I think, to have events to look forward to or else what is the point?

The last “big” night out was Valentine’s Day and I have not been drinking or drunk since (a glass of wine here and there does not count). I have actually made some progress with the marketing plan. In fact I am basically done I just need to put the elements together. I guess there was something to my theory of making progress in school matters in lieu of not getting wasted every weekend.

I have not mentioned this to anyone because I know my history with this sort of thing, but, despite everything, I have still been attempting to study abroad. Because of Jeff, I was introduced to a woman who banks with us named Karen who runs and is the president of the International Opera Theatre Company that based out of Philadelphia (because that is where Karen is located) but performs opera all over the world. Needless to say, I know nothing about opera, but the potential for a great internship involving marketing and business management, which is my concentration in my publishing program, is certainly there. The money this time is not an issue as the loan has already been approved and the check deposited. There is no apparent reason why this shouldn’t work this time around. I would be going to Italy for the entire month of August -- possibly to Canada for two weeks in July but that is dependent on costs. That is another positive situation that is going on right now. Whatever happens happens and because of my past study abroad situations I am just waiting for this to fail as well so I really have no expectations, which saves me from getting my hopes up.

Work is weird. I am getting frustrated because I feel like I have grown beyond my job title and am doing the jobs of three other people and getting the salary of somebody who is not nearly as qualified and dedicated as I am. With our extended hours comes a lot of extra work, especially at the end of the day, and we desperately need another part-time teller but Jeff keeps telling us that they will not approve another employee in our branch. So, because of the executive decision, I nearly lose my mind every day trying to do the job of three people. I am not exaggerating. It gets hectic and overwhelming almost to the point of insanity. I still genuinely like everyone I work with, although there are days I can’t stand them. It’s very much like a family.

At times I feel guilty for bitching about my job because I know that I am lucky right now to even have a job. There are days where I just want to quit and, in a better economic climate, I would just find another job but then Suze Orman comes on MSNBC and proclaims, “The world is going to be destroyed by job loss and poverty! Good luck to you all! I’ll be praying for you in my Manhattan condo. Next caller!” I don’t know. I feel like if I believe bullshit like that I am playing into the collective condition of fear right now.

It’s not that I dislike the banking world, it’s not that at all actually because I actually quite enjoy it, but a.) it’s not what I’ve been going to school for six years for and b.) as I’ve mentioned, I’ve grown beyond my job title. I want to do more, take on more responsibility and be challenged in a different way that I have been since I’ve started. Making more money would not be a negative.

But, for now, I will continue to move along at the bank and finish up my coursework at school. I need to stop taking on more situations than I can handle.

In other news, Kimmy recently signed up for Aikido classes, which is something I know she has been thinking about for a long while. I really commend her for that and I think it's really amazing that Kimmy is making a goal come to fruition.  I mean, think about it, that takes balls.  I certainly don't have the courage to just join a club where I don’t know a single person and scream things like, "HI YAH!" or "GIJJY TO FUN HO!"  That is motivating to me and I want to do something to that does not involve school or work. Something just for me. I am looking into joining a pool league. A summer or two ago Philly Danielle and I had a discussion while on vacation in Wildwood, during that crazy motorcycle weekend, about me trying to form some kind of gay pool league in Philly but with work and school I couldn't take that on and I still can't but there are pool leagues in Philly and there is also the APA (Ameatur Pool Association) so I am going to start investigating. 

This idea has brought on an issue that has been stewing inside of me that I have known has been there but I sort of dismiss: I am very afraid of rejection, to the point where I am paralyzed by it. I am so terrified by the idea of joining something like a pool league because I don’t know anyone and I have this elementary school like fear that everyone is going to meet me and laugh at me until I run away crying. I know that a majority of people are hesitant to walk into a situation where they don’t know anyone but I wonder if their hesitation dips as far into fear as my feelings do. Like I mentioned in my last journal entry, though, deep fear is usually a sign I am headed in the right direction.

I’ll keep you posted...

We’ll back to anticipation. As I am present in this moment, I feel a strong urge to be aware and this makes me eager for some reason -- and waiting. Waiting for what I am not sure, but, whatever it is, I will sit in the moment with a exciting anticipation burning inside of me.