MAY 11, 2008

Title Lyric is from "I Woke Up in a Car" by Something Corporate from their album Leaving Through the Window.


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I used to write a few journal entries a week. Now I'm down to a few journal entries a year.


School: This past semester at Rosemont was completely insane. By far it was the most hectic and overwhelming term I've had so far. The two classes I was in were interesting and I truly enjoyed them both. The workload involved, as I've mentioned, was wild. This is what I expected grad school to be like all along. Maybe I lucked out to date? Or maybe I decided to get invested in my work more than I had in the previous semesters.


The two classes that I was in this term – Medieval Literature and Digital Imaging – seemed to be extended in the sense that even after the class was over there was still work to be done for each. The term, in actuality, wrapped up for me this past Thursday, May 8th. Tomorrow starts Summer I and I'm so exhausted from spring that I'm not very invested in starting another class. The cool thing about summer terms are that the classes are "accelerated" meaning that they are only six weeks. The downside being that you meet twice a week instead of just once. I just need to get through this first class, Japanese Lit, and Summer II I am taking an online Typography class so I don't have to travel back and forth from Rosemont five hundred times a week.


The commute is one of the most exhausting parts of Rosemont.


All the negative aspects aside, I am enjoying the busy schedule. When spring bloomed this year, the smell of the warm air made me remember last year's spring and how afraid I was. I had no steady job, I wasn't in school. My life was aimless, drifting and I had no navigation system in place. All I wanted last year was what I have now. Okay, I want a little more than what I have now, but it's a wonderful start.


There is still no concrete word on London, which is driving me absolutely insane. Just fucking let me know if I am going or not. I know it's not that simple. Another girl and I are trying to pioneer a graduate study abroad program for the first time ever at a small school that has probably never done anything like this – it's going to be a rocky road of trial and error. I want this to happen so badly; I want to feel the fear, excitement, terror, amazement, uncertainty and anticipation of living in a new country, across the ocean. I want to finally fulfill my unfinished business at Drexel and make it to London.


Patience has never been a virtue of mine.


I talked to the Director of my English and Publishing program last week who promised to have answers by this Friday. We'll see…


It's important to know whether or not I'm going to London because if this is not going to happen I want to start looking for another, better paying job, which I cannot do right now because what happens if I do get another job and then I leave for four months and I come back and then there is no job. Beneficial has promised to keep my job waiting for me til I get back from my trip, which is completely wonderful. Still, the amount of money I make at Beneficial is laughable. Seriously, I look at my pay check and laugh – hysterically. It's life decisions like that – job, living situation, etc… -- that make a difference in reference to London.


We'll see.


Work: Somewhere in the grand scheme of things I started to like my job. Not love it, but it's not a bad gig.


Considering how long I've been there (less than a year), I have acquired quite a large load of responsibility and, you know me, in all of my dorky ways, I love it. I would even love to learn more. I tell people all the time that if this whole publishing thing falls through, working in the banking world would be something I would be interested in pursuing.


I've learned so much from this job, mostly dealing with people. One thing that always terrified me was dealing with the general public on a mass scale. Now doing that is as routine as, well, going to work everyday. I know for some people that is not a big deal at all, but for me that's HUGE. I feel more comfortable in social situations because of work and I am able to manage the reactions and personalities of difficult people. It really is something terrific that has happened to me thanks to working at Beneficial.


To make matters better, Jeff was sent away in mid-December to a newly opened branch in Lansdale and in the meantime they sent us another manager, Doug. ::vomit:: I can't say too much for Doug in a positive manner, but now that Jeff is back -- after five long months -- work as become much more pleasant again.


I will say work is a wonderful place when you respect and genuinely like your bosses, which I have the luck of being able to say that I do. Working at the branch is very similar, if not exactly the same, as having a second dysfunctional family. We're all kooky with completely different personalities, but these people have become an integral part of my life because I'm with them 40+ hours a week. I like almost every one at the branch (and the one I don't like we'll not write about).


The reason that I wrote that I would look for another job is purely salary related. My pay is just not enough for me to live off of if I decided I wanted to move out again. One pay check will be rent and the other would be bills and maybe some left over for food. How would I save? How would I plan for the future? Blah. I, honestly, don't understand how people do it, living on their own, bills, gas, insurance, necessities… Then again, those people probably make three times what I make.


Also, though, I have to say working at a bank really teaches you about money. What to do with it, how to save it, understanding how money works… These are lessons that I will take with me for the rest of my life.


For now, I am riding the wave. I am enjoying my time at the bank and, although I did here, I honestly try not to over analyze the situation I am in right now. I'm content with my job; I like the people I work with; and I am learning every single day. I can live with that for a while and be grateful for it.


Friends: You know me, something is always wrong with my relationship with my friends. I've never really understood why I do that – why I always have to analyze friendships from the perspective of problems and not from the perspective of no conflict. There seems to be always something that pisses me off. I can name three things right now that I'm over-the-top annoyed with. But what's the point? It doesn't get me anywhere and I usually forget about my irritations within a week.


In conclusion: same old same old.


In a month: changes. Kimmy and Lauren, after three or four years of living together down the street from me, are moving away. Lauren is staying in South Philly; Kimmy to University City.


I'm trying to get used to the idea of no Spilt Level, no gathering place, nowhere to go after a typically crazy night of drinking, no where to pass out in a blacked out drunken stupor and wake up in a pile of hungover comrades. Life will be different.


I was talking to Sean at work a few weeks ago about this and said, "It's the end of an era." He nodded his head in agreement.


I have mixed emotions about Kimmy moving to another section of the city. On one end, I'm really excited for her. It's a totally new experience and I know she is going to enjoy the change. I would. She's moving in with an awesome person (Tara!) and I know that she will be happier living closer to work. For Kimmy, this is probably the change that she was looking for and that she needed.


On the other hand, I will miss her. Yes, I'm being selfish. I know that when I moved to my apartment in the far away lands of Center City that all those declarations of "seeing me all the time!" and "visiting every day!" were empty and meaningless promises. Kimmy is moving way further away than that. Kimmy won't bother to come to South Philly every weekend to hang out with us like I did. And she shouldn't have too – just like I shouldn't have had too.


I don't want to lose her.


She's been my best hag for years. I know the last year or two we've grown apart, life, jobs, school getting in the way, but I've never not thought of her as my best friend. She is the total opposite of my personality – she's laid back, doesn't take anything seriously and finds humor in any situation. She's late all the time and doesn't care. She'll go almost anywhere on a whim -- she drags me out to punk rock shows in the middle of the week, helps me get totally smashed and then laughs the next day when I tell her how hungover I was at work. She's giddy and skinny and tells me I am too. She's my best friend.


I'm going to make every attempt to stay involved in her life. I hope that she does the same for me.


Lauren, honestly, I think is making a terrific decision for herself and I'm not afraid about things changing between us because a.) she will be the exact same distance away from me as she is now and b.) we both are slaves of da 'Fish. We have several things connecting us. Lauren is also my best friend and a constant in my life. If she ever were to not be a part of my life it just wouldn't feel right. I've said this a million times before, but, I don't know, I feel like if she is not around something is not right.


Yes, we fight often, but we also make up often.


I love my L.


The only thing about them moving is I know they are going to want me to help them move. Fuckers.


Love Life: hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!


Generally, the title of this entry says it all: "I've never been so lost. I've never felt so much at home."


I have no idea where I am going and I feel that, in some ways I am watching my life pass me by – a guy watching a movie that is very interesting but has no control over the plot. What's going to happen next?


I look around me and see 24 year-olds with houses, marriages and kids. Meanwhile, I'm still in school and live at home.


Is that what I am supposed to be doing?


Am I letting this idea of "what I am supposed to be doing" make me think that is what I am supposed to be doing?


I've never been so lost.


I have to admit that I love living at home. No rent, no rules, I can come and go as I please. My mom and I rarely argue over stupid shit like we used to before I moved out. I don't get mad when she asks for money because I know that she doesn't expect it from me. I give her money because I want to. We talk about work, our days, what we want for dinner, who was evicted on Big Brother. We have an actual relationship that is based on mutual understanding and caring.


I'm content right now. I like where I am. It's not where I want to end up, but, at this stage, I am enjoying my life. I honestly like my job; I love going to school – my busy schedule is hectic, annoying, tiring, wonderful and unpredictable. My friends mean so much to me and rock my world. I am learning something new everyday. Life is going along and I dance along to the rhythm.


I've never felt so much at home.